This is a blogpost that I wrote couple of years back. It is one of the reflections on life that I would like to share in this blog.
I have a friend at my work place. Well, she is more than just a friend. She is more like a sister to me. This is one person who stood with me through the thick and the thin. I like her immensely and would often spend most of my free time at work, chatting with her. She is getting married next year and when I met her the other day, I was asking about her fiancé. She was telling me about the guy, the place where he works and other stuff like that. When I asked her whether they were going out together, she replied in the negative. Just to be funny, I remarked that they were the worst couple I have ever come across. She took it lightly but then said that she too likes the way things currently are. When I asked her the reason, she said that she is not very interested in these things (like going out to parks, coffee shops, movies, etc.). When I still pressed (only as a friend and not trying to dig into her personal life), she confessed that she is not very interested in the guy.
I was shocked to say the least. I immediately asked her why then she accepted the proposal and had an engagement. She simply smiled and said that this is India (!) and here, girls don’t have a choice. This statement looked totally ridiculous. She continued saying that she had previously rejected various proposals and her parents didn’t like it. At 25 (her age), her parents thought she is far too old already and had to get married as soon as possible. So, this time they themselves selected a guy and simply told her that they think the guy to be perfect for her. For namesake or whatever, they had that boy-meets-girl-and-gets-to-know-each-other meeting; after which, the parents simply fixed the dates for engagement and the marriage.
Now, I don’t know how to react. It felt strange. I have heard and read about ill-treatment of unmarried girls by their parents in conservative families. I don’t know if it is one of them. I don’t even know whether what her parents did amounts to ill-treatment. I just felt that what her parents did was wrong. I became silent as an avalanche of thoughts erupted in my mind. After sometime I realized that this girl has done a bigger mistake by keeping quite and accepting her parents’ choice. I told her this and asked her why she didn’t protest. She replied saying that the constant bickering of her parents drove her mad. She said, she was pushed to the limits and now just wants to do what her parents want and get away from them. I again felt silent hearing this. I didn’t know how to respond. One thing is clear: this girl is being forced to marry someone whom she does not like because she is too old!
If I had heard such a story involving a girl somewhere in a remote village in Rajasthan (for example), I would have just felt bad about it and would have blamed it on the conservative attitude of Indian societies. But this girl is not some uneducated village girl. She has a professional degree – a working woman employed at one of the top IT companies. How can both these women be comparable? Heck, she also happens to be my friend – friend of a self-proclaimed feminist! This is indeed shocking. I somehow wasn’t able to accept it. I asked her to talk to her parents again and make them understand. But she somehow was smiling and said it is easy for you to talk because you are a boy. Now, what do I say to that? With a smile, I remarked, ‘Thank God, I am a boy!’ She replied, ‘Yes, you should thank God for that!’
Returning back to my cubicle (work-place), I wondered what is wrong here? Clearly, I felt the parents are wrong to do what they are doing. But isn’t this girl also have done a mistake by not standing up to them? I was thinking that the solution to backwardness in women is education but this educated woman is not ready to fight against the conservativeness of her parents. Why is it so? Yes, I get it now. She cannot move out of her house even though she could easily support herself because once she takes such a step, she would become an outcast in our great Indian society! She fears for that. I doubt whether she has even given a thought about taking such a step. This has happened because in spite of being educated, she has also been bred within a conservative culture that shaped her. So, the solution to backwardness is not just education to women but also a change in the society as a whole where are girls have equal freedom as boys.
When I met my friend next, I asked, ‘When will the Indian society (culture or tradition) that is heavily biased against women change?’ She replied, ‘Not in a hundred years.’ I hope she is wrong here at least.
I have a friend at my work place. Well, she is more than just a friend. She is more like a sister to me. This is one person who stood with me through the thick and the thin. I like her immensely and would often spend most of my free time at work, chatting with her. She is getting married next year and when I met her the other day, I was asking about her fiancé. She was telling me about the guy, the place where he works and other stuff like that. When I asked her whether they were going out together, she replied in the negative. Just to be funny, I remarked that they were the worst couple I have ever come across. She took it lightly but then said that she too likes the way things currently are. When I asked her the reason, she said that she is not very interested in these things (like going out to parks, coffee shops, movies, etc.). When I still pressed (only as a friend and not trying to dig into her personal life), she confessed that she is not very interested in the guy.
I was shocked to say the least. I immediately asked her why then she accepted the proposal and had an engagement. She simply smiled and said that this is India (!) and here, girls don’t have a choice. This statement looked totally ridiculous. She continued saying that she had previously rejected various proposals and her parents didn’t like it. At 25 (her age), her parents thought she is far too old already and had to get married as soon as possible. So, this time they themselves selected a guy and simply told her that they think the guy to be perfect for her. For namesake or whatever, they had that boy-meets-girl-and-gets-to-know-each-other meeting; after which, the parents simply fixed the dates for engagement and the marriage.
Now, I don’t know how to react. It felt strange. I have heard and read about ill-treatment of unmarried girls by their parents in conservative families. I don’t know if it is one of them. I don’t even know whether what her parents did amounts to ill-treatment. I just felt that what her parents did was wrong. I became silent as an avalanche of thoughts erupted in my mind. After sometime I realized that this girl has done a bigger mistake by keeping quite and accepting her parents’ choice. I told her this and asked her why she didn’t protest. She replied saying that the constant bickering of her parents drove her mad. She said, she was pushed to the limits and now just wants to do what her parents want and get away from them. I again felt silent hearing this. I didn’t know how to respond. One thing is clear: this girl is being forced to marry someone whom she does not like because she is too old!
If I had heard such a story involving a girl somewhere in a remote village in Rajasthan (for example), I would have just felt bad about it and would have blamed it on the conservative attitude of Indian societies. But this girl is not some uneducated village girl. She has a professional degree – a working woman employed at one of the top IT companies. How can both these women be comparable? Heck, she also happens to be my friend – friend of a self-proclaimed feminist! This is indeed shocking. I somehow wasn’t able to accept it. I asked her to talk to her parents again and make them understand. But she somehow was smiling and said it is easy for you to talk because you are a boy. Now, what do I say to that? With a smile, I remarked, ‘Thank God, I am a boy!’ She replied, ‘Yes, you should thank God for that!’
Returning back to my cubicle (work-place), I wondered what is wrong here? Clearly, I felt the parents are wrong to do what they are doing. But isn’t this girl also have done a mistake by not standing up to them? I was thinking that the solution to backwardness in women is education but this educated woman is not ready to fight against the conservativeness of her parents. Why is it so? Yes, I get it now. She cannot move out of her house even though she could easily support herself because once she takes such a step, she would become an outcast in our great Indian society! She fears for that. I doubt whether she has even given a thought about taking such a step. This has happened because in spite of being educated, she has also been bred within a conservative culture that shaped her. So, the solution to backwardness is not just education to women but also a change in the society as a whole where are girls have equal freedom as boys.
When I met my friend next, I asked, ‘When will the Indian society (culture or tradition) that is heavily biased against women change?’ She replied, ‘Not in a hundred years.’ I hope she is wrong here at least.
This my friend is the most well known secret among all women who has got and is getting their marriage "arranged"...
ReplyDeleteThere is very less or even no chance to give their say. Elders see few demo-graphical variables and some meaning less charts and decides that this x guy is the soul mate of y girl, even if there is a world of differences between their personalities or expectations... all is ignored for whose good... Only God knows(if there is one)!
Every girl's nightmare...
And if you get a chance to talk with the guys, i guess their plight might only be slightly better
Except for the very few, who chose to be an outcast :)